A sweet kindred spirit and sister in Christ gave me this cross one Sunday before sunday school. On the back is a mustard seed and on the front is a message that says: “God, if I can’t have what I want, Please let me want what I have”.
For months now I have been so miserable at work due to some hard circumstances that it has taken a severe toll on me both mentally and physically. I have been trying so hard- everyday- to find a job where the atmosphere is happier, intellectually challenging and conducive to career and personal growth. Nothing has happened. Everyday I wake up and the only thing that gets me out of bed is the fact that I will be buying an unhealthy, Starbucks drink on my way to work. Every morning, I gulp the drink down and once the cup was empty- it became a metaphor for how I felt: utterly empty. For weeks, I kept the cross on the floorboard of my husband’s car. I loved the gift and love the thought that my friend thought of me, but staying here is not what I want. Today, I have given up. Completely. I am putting the cross up in my office, so as to say “I surrender to Christ”- I give up. If He wants me to stay in this horrible place (which I just can’t understand that He who loves me so much would) then fine- I will do Your will. I am confused at this knowledge, but I give up. I will just stay here forever, I guess. I am sad and I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but I’ve tried to no avail and I wish Christ would please give his loving child a revelation. Please. I am begging. Please? I love you God. :(