Sandra
Pinellas Park, FL
I went to a cross-making potluck as a college student to fulfill a journalism assignment for class. What I left with cannot be taught in school. My story… Married for 17 years to an alcoholic and drug addicted husband left me trapped in emotional turmoil. in 1999, after my divorce, I had little self-worth–not even a nugget that a rat would eat. My whole marriage had been a lie, my life was a lie, a façade I played rather well to fool people, and avoid the bitter truth, which left my inner soul blackened. I was full of resentments. My family had lied to me to. I lost my ability to trust anyone–I didn’t know what the word LOVE really meant or how to let anyone become close to me. I had a ten foot wall built around myself, so no one could ever hurt me again. My motto: Feel nothing and you can’t be hurt, expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed. Isolation took it’s toll, and I started to drink on a daily basis. After two short years I was dependent on alcohol. The evil temptress that had ruined my marriage had her claws grasped into my being. I turned to AA for help. The kindness of strangers rescued me from myself and certain death. today I’m happy, joyous and free, close to my only daughter, and going back to college to finish my bachelor’s degree. But the last remaining hurdle in my life is love. I’m dating a wonderful man, but I cannot give my whole self to him. The fear to allow myself to love again still haunts me like a ghost longing to reach the other side to get to the light. To be free. When I saw the shiny cross and the words “and the greatest is love,’ scribbled across the front, tears swelled up in my eyes. This is my cross! This is my last demon I need to cast out of my life. The cross hangs in my bedroom window, so I can reflect on the words daily. ” And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love,” 1 Corinthians: 13:13
